Fleshlight Online Blog

A Who Done It - Adventures of a ‘Private Dick’ (a Humor & Satire Erotic Story)
Submitted by bearcomeshome © at Literotica.com
… start lubing your Fleshlight before reading it … and enjoy it

Part 1:

It was a bright, fresh Sunday morning in mid-May and the West London air was still clear. I was on my way to meet my elderly client in his flat near the Portobello Road. I do not normally work Sundays, or mornings. Most of my work as a private detective is done at night investigating suspected adultery. Today I made a double exception. My client suspected that members of his family were using his funds a little too freely and he wanted to discuss matters while they were at church.

As I entered the tube station a breeze caught my light cotton summer jacket - brushing it against the fly of the thin trousers. The train was more crowded than I would have expected and I had to stand. My fellow passengers seemed a mixture of people heading to Portobello market, church-goers and people on their way to visit family for Sunday lunch. A few appeared to be returning from all night parties rather smudged and wilting but the rest were smart enough to visit the Queen.

I looked along my carriage. Two nuns sitting on my left smiled at me then held a whispered conversation, their rosary beads swaying side to side over their breasts in crisp habits with the motion of the train. Next to the nuns sat a young Sloane type in a soft peach coloured suit and pearls. She was unremarkable to look at but her cut glass accent and the soft click of pears as she turned her head had a surprisingly arousing effect on me (more…)

Masturbating starts off so promising, just gets better, and finished with a fabulous climactic release. Women are lucky, they’re left with nothing but a smile on their face. But men have to deal with the messy reality of a load of jism to dispose of.

In this guide, we’ll explore how best to dispose of your ejaculatory aftermath. From the solid, time-tested methods to the more kinky possibilities, we’ll offer you the dos and don’ts.

* In a tissue
This is perhaps the easiest and most convenient way to get rid of your spooge. Keep a box of tissues near the bed or where ever you wank, and just grab one a little before the moment of truth arrives - or grab two, if you’re a high volume shooter. Just be sure you throw the used tissue out immediately; you don’t want to pick it up later and mistakenly blow your nose in it, or have a guest stumble on it by accident.

Beware though, all brands of tisue aren’t the same. A scratchy tissue can take the shine off your afterglow. Experiment with different types to find one that feels good.

* In a wet washcloth
Cumming into a warm, wet washcloth can be a pleasure in itself, and is definitely a step up from Kleenex. Use fabric softener in the (more…)

Though we encourage sexual experimentation, getting too creative can sometimes be a very, very bad thing. Here our readers share some of the masturbation disasters. Learn from their mistakes! Please don´t try this at home! Please don´t try this at home! Please don´t try this at home! From CollegeSexAdvice

1. With a tambourine
It was just before my A-level exams and I was masturbating to relax my nerves. I decided to stick my cock inside the thumb-hold of a tambourine on my desk … Big mistake, because what went in when I was soft wouldn’t come out when I was hard, and it was damn painful too. And of course the blood took ages to leave my cock because the veins were blocked by the constriction. So I had to lie down for ages and ended up getting to my exam late. D’oh!

2. With a bicycle pump
I had heard the term “blow job,” but didn’t really have a clue what it meant. So, I thought I’d experiment. I got out my bicycle pump, placed the valve on my urethra, and pumped that handle down hard, expecting to feel pleasures beyond my wildest dreams! AHHHHHH! My groin hurt for weeks as I think I tore something inside, but was too ashamed to tell anyone. I really felt stupid. Everything seemed to work fine once I just started masturbating.

3. With an RC truck
I was fooling around with my battery-operated RC truck. (more…)

The underrated and misunderstood Dr. Sigmund Winston
made several sex educational films in the early fifties. They
were shown in several elementary schools in Stark County,
Ohio before being pulled from classes and burned.

Now, over fifty years later, lost reels of his educational
films have been found in the attic of his most beloved
sidekick. SkyAngel Films is proud to present one of his most
prolific films digitaly enhanced.

Our almost daily list of euphemisms for male masturbation that I’ve found on Hardy’s Masturbation Guide. Today those terms starting with letter “D”. Enjoy

Daisy-chaining
Dancing in the dragon’s fiery breath
Dancing round the maypole
Dancing with Johnnie One-Eye
Dancing with the one-eyed sailor
Date Miss Michigan
Date Mrs. Palmer and her five daughters
Date Palmala Handerson
Date Rosie Palm and her five sisters
Dating Mother Palm and her five daughters
Debating the Albino Newt
Debugging the hard drive
Decongesting the weasel
Defrosting the fridge
Detoxifying the puppy
Devil’s handshake
Dick whacking
Diddle (more…)

Mark Twain’s Masterpiece

A speech delivered to the Stomach Club, a society of American writers and artists,
Paris, 1879
by Mark Twain

My gifted predecessor has warned you against the “social evil — adultery.” In his able paper he exhausted that subject; he left absolutely nothing more to be said on it. But I will continue his good work in the cause of morality by cautioning you against that species of recreation called self-abuse — to which I perceive that you are [too] much addicted.

All great writers upon health and morals, both ancient and modern, have struggled with this stately subject; this shows its dignity and importance. Some of these writers have taken one side, some the other.

Homer, in the second book of the “Iliad”, says with fine enthusiasm, “Give me masturbation or give me death!” (more…)

This is what could happens while you are enjoying your best self-loving momentum…
Hope it never happens… LOL

Our almost daily list of euphemisms for male masturbation that I’ve found on Hardy’s Masturbation Guide. Today those terms starting with letter “C”. Enjoy

Cajun clown fucking
Calling all cum
Calling down for more mayo
Calling genie
Calling in the National Guard to assist you in a strategic crisis
Calling in the secret service
Caning the vandal
Caping the crusader
Capturing the bishop
Carrying weight
Cast off
Caulking the cracks in the bathroom tile (more…)

Slang Terms for Male Masturbation

A new list of euphemisms for male masturbation from abbys-sexual-health.com. As yesterday, some new pretty funny stuff on the list.
Today those terms starting with the letter “B“. Enjoy :

Backstroke roulette
Badgering the witness
Baiting your hook
Ball off
Ball slappin’ fun
Bangin’ your bacon
Banging one out
Banging the Cyclops
Barking up the wrong tree
Bash the bishop
Bash the candle
Bashing the Bishop
Bashing the pear
Basting the ham
Batting practice
Battling the purple-headed yogurt slinger (more…)

Slang Terms for Male Masturbation

This is a list of euphemisms for male masturbation that I found on a site called abbys-sexual-health.com. There’s some pretty funny stuff on the list.
Today will begin (as it might be) with those terms starting with the letter “A”. Enjoy :

A big date with Rosy Palms
A date with Mrs. Palmer and her 5 slut daughters
Abusing the wicked stick
Accosting the Oscar Meyer
Addressing Mr. Palmer
Adjusting the antenna
Adjusting your set
Aiding and abetting a known felon
Answer the bone-a-phone
Applying the hand brake
Appropriate the means
Arguing with Henry Longfellow
Arm aerobics
Arm-wrestle with your one-eyed vessel
Arm-wrestling the purple-headed stormtrooper
Asking for a second opinion (your second head)
Assault on a friendly weapon
Attack the one-eyed purple-headed warrior
Attending to the throb knob needs
Auditioning the hand puppet

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